The Honest Man

VERBAL SKILLS CAN PAY YOUR BILLS

Unfortunately we can’t purchase communication skills, confidence, and/or “true love” for that matter and acquiring it can be a never ending struggle for many.  If your wealthy, privileged, or famous, you may definitely have a better chance of acquiring, or faking these factors but it is in no way guaranteed that you get them in your life.  

However, one thing that we can work on is our communication skills.  I believe half of communication is actually just engaging in “small talk” and being inquisitive which can make a conversation grow.  Honesty is really important because it allows you to be yourself.  I believe way to many people lie nowadays to make themselves feel more important or to take advantage of others.  

Unfortunately, if two people are attracted to each other enough, none of this may matter at first because the goal might be a physical one but here is where most people can get into trouble.  I hope I don’t have to tell people out there to be safe and really get to know someone before you fall in love with them.  Many men are prone to this but so are women because both men and women like attractive people especially within our image/status obsessed and commodified society where plastic surgery is becoming like a trip to McDonalds.  Hell, we are literally making ourselves into plastic action figures.  For me personally, I love a woman’s natural appearance and am not fond of accessories either but I won’t judge women because they are socialized into a product based culture.  So are men for that matter so we are both to blame for continuing the cycle.  

Ok, I am going off topic here so back to good old communication.  Well, communication is our “superior” trait as human beings.  We have used it for thousands of years and developed a multitude of languages all for the purpose of, you guessed it, procreation.  So why is communication being done more electronically? Why can’t we express ourself to the people we care about?  Why do we vilify others who may “talk funny” or might not talk at all?  Well, communication has also been used for war and to promote violence which is a corrupt side of humanity and shows how we are prone to decay morally.  This is why we must be sensitive to those we care about when we speak.  I personally love when I get compliments from women and when women spend time to chat with me.  It shows interest, compassion, intelligence, and good will.  These are the building blocks to a good relationship in my book and breeds cooperation.  This is what I look for in a mate and I am sure that many out there do too.  I hope…

So build your communication skills.  If you aren’t a very nice or decent person, work on yourself and try to change the best you can.  It may be hard but if you want to build trust with people, especially intelligent people, you are going to need positive, validating, and affirming communication skills.  This is not to be confused with “brown nosing” or “a$$-kissing”.  This type of behavior can limit and blur your boundaries and you don’t want to be with someone that you constantly have to please and worse, is unappreciative.  Be happy and proud to be you because you are the only one who will ever feel your pain.  Good communication can even help with loneliness because you can write how you feel or email and/or call a friend when your feeling down.

Lastly, read allot!  Knowledge can make life interesting and can prepare you for the world.  Read about everything including society, politics, religion, science, and technology but keep the ignorant judgement calls to yourself because some people can call you out better then a criminal defense lawyer!  Anyway,  this knowledge will help you when things go bad or when you run out of topics to talk about.  In addition, find a mate who likes to talk or if shy, is willing to let you help them communicate.  Sadly, women aren’t encouraged to speak their minds so I think it is a good idea to support a woman’s opinion while pointing out where she may be wrong in a compassionate way of course.  Woman, although gaining more political and social ground and who may not be so nice sometimes, suffer a great deal just like men do if not worse historically.  We are two representations of the human being and we can’t get through life healthy without each other’s support, encouragement, and dare I say “love”?  Only if it’s a “smart love” and that can only be built though communication.

LOVE UNDER A MICROSCOPE

LOVING THE HATERS

With the internet and growing populations that are more mobile then ever before, we are constantly coming into contact with different personalities, characters, and ideas. We are also undoubtedly coming into contact with people’s emotions both negative or positive. Many people genuinely want to be liked and accepted and will follow whatever norm their social group subscribes to. It is rare to find independent thinkers. However, when you choose to think for yourself, be honest, and act accordingly there are many people who will have a problem with that. In many relationships, there is a power struggle and one person often wants control of the other or the rest of the group. When this control is challenged, conflict can result. I feel that this is the cause of many relationship issues especially with those ending in divorce and in the growing divide between men and women. Many people who let their ego dominate their lives are generally selfish and fail to see how respecting others will bring respect back to them. They fail to see how rare honest respect and loyalty is in an increasingly globalized world based on the “individual” quest for wealth and privilege. Often, in my experiences with others and especially in relationships, they realize this too late and the relationship ends for good. Life is short and many people like me understandably do not want to waste their lives with people who only think of themselves and offer zero support or solutions in life, especially when it is offered to them constantly.

I personally know that no one is perfect and I know first hand how difficult life can be especially when faced with life threatening issues like violence and sickness. This is why I try to be patient with people and more so with women because I would like to find a mutually respectful relationship. However, I also know that many people do not choose to improve on themselves and like to vilify and condemn others sometimes for no reason. In my life, I have been taken advantage of, excluded, feared, hated, and threatened but I have also been liked, praised, loved, and respected. Both experiences helped me see the dialectic in life and the opposing forces that make us who we are. Without the negative, I could never see the positive. I had to understand that the hate I experienced, created the love I come to know and seek out in others.

MODERN LOVE

    Imagine if we didn’t live a modern life full of technology, prepared foods, and designer clothes. How would men and women relate to one another? Would we have all of the relationships issues that seem dominate our lives in these modern times? Or, would our interactions with each other be a bit simpler and straight forward? It is impossible for us to go back in time when we lived more intimately with nature and even in this day and age, agrarian and hunter gatherer societies are very few and/or are disappearing with the modernization characteristic of Globalization. So how to we get our intimacy back not only with nature but with each other? How can we get back that basic need that men and women respond to and which helps to promote our survival as human beings?

Obviously, for many people, it comes fairly easy and may be identified as “true love”. For others, it is a never ending quest to find that one person that fits the “image of true love”. I think that there is a difference. First, the “image of true love” is just that, an image. It is a manufactured “product of popular media, our ideal fantasy, and our obsession with perfection as a culture. If a potential mate doesn’t fit this image that we have created, with the help of outside influence of course, then we will dismiss him or her without thinking twice. It is almost a reflex that has been conditioned into our everyday thinking. For example, a particular male might reject a woman because she doesn’t have blue eyes, regardless of her otherwise positive characteristics. Likewise, a woman may reject a man who is a couple of inches shorter ignoring the fact that he may be a great lover and friend. The plain and simple fact is that no man or woman is perfect. We all have flaws whether they are genetic or physical. Science says that no organism is perfect and religions claim this as well so why should we put this pressure on ourselves and those around us? I feel that true love is acceptance of our imperfections and of those around us. That humility is the most attractive trait anyone can have. Is it easy to do in this modern world? I think that it has never been easy but we do have to work harder to keep up with the times. In addition, it is something we have a lifetime to improve.

In mindfully achieving this acceptance, I feel that we slowly grow closer to intimacy with all living things and this connection can do wonders for any relationship. In this world of expensive products made from plastic, metals, and synthetic substances, authentic love can never be contained and sold. It will always remain a free flowing energy that enters only those that believe in it’s existence and are careful with it’s power.

OF LOVE AND WAR

The quote, “all is fair in love and war”, always seemed a bit off to me. It seemed like a blanket statement allowing people to disrespect others and play with their emotions. I feel that at the core of relationships, like war, is a struggle for power. Maybe it’s the powerlessness of our own history, family life, or past relationships that fuel this need for it. In addition, it can also be our ego that fuels our power struggles and in a culture that capitalizes on egocentric views, this can be hard to break free from. However, I feel that in order to have a truly “democratic” relationship, one must free themselves from this egocentric quest for power that has been triggered in many of us. This doesn’t mean that one should abandon their beliefs, ideas, and opinions. On the contrary, one should respect the other person enough to allow them to express themselves and be open to learning about someone else’s experiences, knowledge, and expertise. Too many individuals are defensive about what they do not understand in other people. Others like to judge in order to feel superior. No relationship can survive in this kind of environment where “out doing” the other person becomes a game. Competitiveness is ok in life to a certain degree but when it becomes detrimental to others and even whole populations, it can become destructive not only to the person or group but even to the environment that sustains us. Lately, I have been feeling that all of this competition in society is creating a bad environment not only for relationships, but for our handling of life issues. It is creating a small amount of “winners” and a larger amount of “losers”. Those who benefit from being accepted by more people or who conform to the standards of what brings capital and resources will have a better chance of “winning” or may side with the “winners”. The “losers”, who may not be “losers” at all, just different, or non-conforming, may not benefit from access to the “better things in life”. However, it’s my belief that this cannot go on forever and eventually our own competitiveness and lust for material wealth at the loss of others will ultimately lead to our own destruction. No population or person can survive if it can’t sustain itself. In order to sustain itself, it must cooperate with others in whatever environment it encounters. A power hungry individual that basis his/her life on privilege and prestige cannot sustain themselves because human beings need to be social to survive and others may not accept their intolerance. Even if one is a “loner” one ultimately needs other perspectives, support, ideas, and activities to truly be a functional, happy, and intelligent human being capable of contributing to society and the human race. Those that “buy” into the philosophy of power, privilege, materialism, unsustainable ideologies, and selfishness cannot continue to “win” for long. Sooner or later “the law of competition” will catch up and there will be someone stronger, faster, more intelligent, or healthier. The “normalizing” of competition for superiority is at the root of our problems with relationships and conflict resolution I feel. The truth of the matter is that in most modern societies, “nothing is fair in love and war”.

WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN?

This is a question one often hears in the media including television shows and magazine publications. I won’t name any names but I am sure you can guess which shows and magazines. Well, the plain and simple truth is that good men are out there. They have always been around. They are at the local Universities getting a degree even at an older age because of the unemployment rate. They are the local super market trying to buy good, affordable, food so they can eat healthy while having enough money to take a nice woman out. They are learning a martial art that most have never heard of in order to improve their own discipline and piece of mind. They are online secretly learning about woman so they can know what to say to them when they do meet someone nice. Good is a relative term. No one person is totally good or bad. We all make mistakes but what makes a “good” man is not economics, social status, or privilege. It is his character and his gentle, understanding nature. It is his ability to defend those who cannot defend themselves. It is his passion and spiritual side. A good man is sort of a recluse. He is not found in bars, clubs, and amongst the cliche “in” crowd. He forms his own opinions and can see through most lies because he is also honest and loyal. He is intolerant of those who use power, privilege, and economic gain to attack the poor, weak, and socially isolated. The good man doesn’t usually ask out every woman in site because he is not a womanizer. Much to the dismay of most woman, the good man can seem aloof, arrogant, or not interested. This is because he has a deep intellect and soul. He recognizes that it is something very rare and is careful who he shares it with. He lives his life sort of like a monk in deep thought. He has allot to share with a woman who doesn’t necessarily have to be perfect, however she must aspire to be just, kind, and conscious just like he is. In most modern societies, we can loose focus and become disillusioned with the negative things that man has created. Man’s Biological nature can distort his image as a thinking being which has choices in personal matters. The good man knows this and strives to “do the right thing” even if he knows he may make a mistake. In consumer based societies, we equate good men with money, power, and status. This image is produced on the television and indeed most people have “bought” into this idea. It must be understood that when a good man comes out of poverty, he knows how important it is to not give into materialism. He is a good judge of people and makes very few, but really close, friends. He knows that most people can’t help but be individualistic and greedy. There is nothing he can do but change himself and accept the world as it is. So the next time someone asks, “Where are all the good men?” You can tell them can that they are only a “Hello” away.